Monday, June 25, 2007
I had a very thorough talk with Dennis in the evening yesterday. And, I would have to say that it was so far, the only conversation in my life, that I was able to speak so openly about the issues concerning my emotions, with the direct person involved.
He told me how, when he saw the quote that I had, written on my wall, it kinda struck him to think about things. The quote was "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.." =)
He was also telling me that he would not say the word, 'Sorry' to me, as he understands that, that is the last word that I wanna hear from him..which is definitely true.
Oh well, point is, all is cleared up. And, I definitely feel much 'lighter' now, like as if a weight has been lifted off my chest~I swear about that.
I'm really glad about it.
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 11:36 am
-The End-
Sunday, June 24, 2007
I had just finished my uni exams yesterday. I would have to say it felt really great ~ The feeling of having absolutely nothing to do, after all 3 weeks of studying(although not totally focussed-Oopz) is just indescribable.
Anyway, my internet is down at home(yet again), and I'm currently surfing the net at a friend's place, and so this is a really short entry to update about my current life. =) Exams are over, that is. =)
Cheerz ;)
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 1:08 pm
-The End-
Monday, June 18, 2007
I just took a nap earlier on.
Upon waking up, I kinda felt like there was something in between the sheets.
And ta-da!~~~ I was so happy upon seeing my long-lost necklace.
That was a present from my godmother and my cousin for my 21st birthday, before I came over that is. Can't explain how sad I was feeling when I realized I lost it the about 2 months back.
It just really brightened my day. And it somehow made me had this thought, like, "If you're meant(or fated) to be with something/someone, you're definitely be with that something/someone, and it's all a matter of time, that is."
Oh well..I reckon I'm getting to emotional. Now, as for the matters of the heart, I reckon I will most probably leave it all to the hands of fate again. Yet again, I'm gona take a break from the 'scene' again. Dating scene, I meant.
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 12:42 pm
-The End-
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Caution: Apologies, I reckon this is my longest post ever, and might take up 45min-1hour of reading.
I had just done my first exam paper for this semester of mine, and so Im left with 3 more papers to go. I had just done a good 7km jog for today instead of the usual 9-10km run that I do, as I don't really well physically. Don't know why either.
To make things worse, I had not been in a very good mood ever since Sunday, when I found out about something unpleasant and untruthful. And on top of it all, it HURTS. Yes, it HURTS badly. And come to think of it, it's not a very appropriate timing for me to learn about such a painful truth, when it is the final examinations period at this point in time.
To be frank, I had difficulties sleeping on Sunday night. And when I had woken up the next day on Monday, the first thing that came to my mind was the PAINFUL FACT. Of course, that wasn't a very good way of starting my day. My sis had forced me to drive when I wasn't in the best of moods, and guess what. I had went past a traffic light without knowing that it was there in the first place! I came to realize how dangerous it could have been for the two of us, should there be any cars going in the opposite direction. Gosh. A close shave it was, now that I come to think about it. I'm not trying to blame my sister or anyone. It's just that I wasn't in the best of moods, to be doing one of my fav past times-driving. =(
And like what my close friends and friends and people around me advises me, "it's just unfair that you're suffering alone in silence, when he gets to study in peace for his exams!" Everyone has been very concerned and worried about & for me. Of course I'm not lamenting about it, I truly appreciate it.
What I'll be doing here is the real revelation of my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.
Firstly, I know I was wrong to intrude on his privacy of his personal item. But I figured out that's the only most accurate and reliable source of information in modern times like this. But the main point is that I had found out the truth, nothing but the truth. Everyone around me knows how much I hate lies, how much I'd rather hear the truth(no matter how painful it might be), rather than lies(that keep me happy for a short, temporary time). Of course he knows that I'd rather hear the (painful)truth than the crazy lies.
Had then wrote a note and pushed it thru Kenny's door to tell him how lost I felt and everything else. Okie, point is, I found out that Dennis is actually still with his girlfriend.
Got home on Sunday afternoon, had called my closest friend in Singapore(i still call her often that is), Rachel(Ru Ting), had poured out everything and cried to her about it. Really glad she was there for me.
By the time I got onto MSN, I had received IM messages from Kenny. He sounded worried about me, from the way he asked so many questions at once, like "What happened?", "How are you?", etc.
Initially, I had felt bad about being the 'third party', but now when I come to think about it, and like how Kenny, my sister and everyone else assures me that it's not my fault at all. Cuz it's not like I have not prompted him for his honesty about his relationship status. Now that I know the truth about him. It all makes sense, and forms a complete picture when we had a talk about 2 weeks ago. He made some preposterous statements like "I feel bad about not giving you any status. A part of me wants you to be my girlfriend, but..." He couldn't really continue after that, and made a new statement, "From what I've observed, we're two very different people."
I just asked him, "What do u mean by 2 very different ppl?"
He:"We have very different interests."
I:"Like in what sense?"
He:"Like, movie-wise, like reading-wise, I read Archie, and you read.."
I thought that was all crap. There's no boundaries when you really like someone, isn't it? And in the first place, he doesn't even read Archie at the moment.
So, I just gave my most honest opinion about this interest crap, like, "I strongly feel that such interests matters are really trivial stuffs, and we can work it out if we want to. Cuz it definitely takes two hands to clap." Now that I think about it, it's just all crap excuses for him to cover up all his previous lies-it makes absolutely perfect sense now that I pieced it up together.
Im utterly hurt.
On Sunday, I had even told Kenny that I dont mind just disappearing like that for good and be the bad one, and let Dennis think that nothing went wrong. Kenny just said that Im too nice to be the bad one and that Im nuts to have such a crazy thought. Oh well, maybe.
Have been doing so much thinking within this two days since Sunday, and having to be very honest with myself, I strongly believe that I've treated Dennis to the best that I can, but I don't really think Im getting what I've been giving in return, for my honesty, my compassion, my care, my faith and everything else. I've always believed in 'Doing unto others what you want others to do unto you'. But, I realized this is just not happening on Dennis's side toward me.
I have to say that I really appreciate Kenny a whole lot. That he's doing me a very big favour by keeping this big secret from D. I know Im putting him in a very difficult spot and I understand that he finds it hard about the fact that he knows something but can't say it out..He told me he sooo wanna scold D. But I kinda scolded Kenny himself. Like, I told him "U MUST not tell him"! Part of the reason was that I didnt wanna affect D's study mood, although I believe I wouldn't be a factor at all.
I'm make it clear to D on Friday, after the dinner. But I just don't feel like. I think the only thing that's telling me to 'just leave it, and go away magnanimously', it's this thing called "
KARMA". The fact that he could
CHEAT on his girlfriend like that, and having to do all the things that we've done, it makes me wonder what kind of a conscience he has..Seriously, well, we'll see hey.
I'm just really upset, disappointed and hurt at the moment. Like, I thought I saw something in Dennis, something good, and that made me build my faith in him(It was all crap when he said that having faith in him is good!), and in going back into 'dating scene' again. Now, it just totally freaks me out.. It really does scare me. And the
last thing that I wanna hear from him is a "
SORRY". I know it will definitely make him feel better by apologizing, but it just makes me feel worse when the only thing he can do at this point in time, is to say a "SORRY". That truly irks me. Like, do u think just a simple SORRY can help? I'm afraid not. For all the faith that I had in him.
Anyway, in this period of time, I'm really glad that all my friends are by my side, and even
his friend. Really appreciate everyone of you.
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 9:28 pm
-The End-
Sunday, June 10, 2007
What if you found out about something you shouldn't have?
What if you found out that the person you've been hanging out with for a period of time, is actually committed to another?
Would it be my fault? I had prompted for his honesty on this question repeatedly for a number of occasions. For all this while that I've been prompting, I figured out that my question had actually been answered just by taking a look at a personal item of his. I know I should not have intruded on his privacy, but I reckon that's the only way of finding out the true fact.
Right now, no one knows about this except his housemate(or rather his long term friend), Kenny, whom I left a note before leaving their place this morning. I really appreciate that he was actually so worried about me. He reckons I'm silly by leaving just like that without a confrontation.
Oh well, I just don't wanna be involved in this crap anymore.......
"It's painful to let go of a dream, but sometimes it's the only smart thing to do.."
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 7:20 pm
-The End-
Sunday, June 03, 2007
This week seemed to have passed ever so quickly.
Had gone to Dennis’s place for potluck dinner last night, together with my sister, that is. When we got there, the owners were there(of course), and there was the Jason guy there too. It was only about half past 8 when Jansen, Bang Wei and another Jason(whom I got to know on Thur) arrived. Where’s the punctuality factor? Hmmz..
I reckon the potluck dinner was pretty good for homemade food standards. We hung around the place for a while after dinner till about 12ish. And then, all of us were trying to come up with a proper suggestion as to what we could do for the night. And finally, my sis came up with the ultimate idea which most of us agreed upon, although not all. And, that was to head to Springbrook to see the gloworms. Yes, I have to admit that I was one of the majority who voted for the idea. Just one thing I didn't quite understand was, one of the guys was saying it's a crazy idea to head to Springbrook, but ultimately he still joined. No one did force him to go, did anyone?
We went there in 3 cars. My sister's, Jansen's and Dennis's.
In my sister's: my sis and myself(duh), Kenny & Rio
In Jansen's: Jansen(of course), Bang Wei and Jason
In Dennis's: Dennis and his good friend, Jason, and also, Alfie.
On our way there in the car, we had a really good conversation. When I mention 'we', I meant the four of us of course. Especially Kenny and I. haha. =) One of the main conversations between us was on the bitching of someone in particular, which I refuse to mention names, and some other interesting stuffs that my sis and Kenny were exchanging. As for Rio, I reckon he was really tired, as he only spoke when we asked him questions.
I reckon it's one of those things in your life, whereby you've just gotta try it at least once for the experience's sake, like a 'Been there, done that'. The drive was about an hour and a half. The gloworms in the cave wasn't all that fantastic, but I'm glad that at least I know how gloworms look like and what they actually are.
By the time we got back to Brisbane, it was almost 6, when we got to the gunshop cafe at West End, wanting to have our brekkie there, only to find out that the shop opens only at 7am, leaving us with an hour having nothing to do. And so, the group of us decided to wait at our apartment to just hang around for the one hour. The 10 of us just headed back to our apartment, to the top floor. It was only my sis and Bang Wei who had dipped their legs into the Jacuzzi while killing time, while the rest of us were just chatting or even sleeping(literally) around.
Pretty much about it when we got home after brekky at 8.30am and went to bed.
FridayNow, Friday evening. Interesting.
I had met up with Dennis for Batavia. I realized we haven't really had a proper catchup-chat since the busy assignment period about 2-3 weeks ago. Took a walk along the south bank river side after that.
He told me a little more about himself, which I kinda knew beforehand, but just didn't see a point to question, as I understand that people will tell you things when they want to and when they're ready to, in such cases. On top of that, I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable telling me about it. Following that, we discussed about so many other things, and the night didn't have a proper ending. It made me did so much thinking, and it was just so difficult for me to get to sleep. I really felt down so badly that I kinda teared after parting with him at the gate basement of my apartment. But all's good now, I had poured everything out to my diary instead.
Oh well, anyway, as mentioned, I managed to get the pictures for the last occasion when I was at Dennis's place about 2-3 weeks ago. So, here u go, some pictures:
During dinner-Kenny, myself, Dennis
All of us, with Rio, the birthday boy
Jansen and myself
Yvonne
Bitched Out @ 8:23 pm
-The End-